Faith.

Faith is a funny thing. It’s elusive. It’s fickle. But it’s magical.

Whether its faith in a higher power or faith that things will get better, sticking to that optimistic belief can be a struggle. Today is a struggle for me.

I feel like despite my best efforts, 2012 & I haven’t started out on the right foot. I let myself believe that the New Year would bring instant changes & breathe a new life of optimism in me. I’m an optimist, idealist & romantic for the most part. I thought at the stroke of midnight, my luck would change & I would find peace & happiness.

What I forgot about is patience. I have to be patient.

The stroke of midnight didn’t change the situation between my ex & I & our house. How could it? We’re stuck between a rock & a hard place & have finally made a serious decision after weighing all of the possible consequences. It sickens me to even speak about it.

The stroke of midnight didn’t magically make me lose the 10 lbs I gained emotionally eating over the past year & a half. That’s going to take hard work & effort. Time to put on my big girl panties, watch what I eat & hit the gym with a ferocity.

The stroke of midnight didn’t make feelings change or grow. I know what I want & I know what I deserve. No more settling, that much is for sure.

So here I sit in my own pity party filled with resentment & bitterness. I’m mad at the world. I’m angry over things out of my control. Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself praying to a God that I’m not fully sure I believe in. I used to believe people used religion as an emotional crutch, but now I’m not so sure. What if we need a crutch sometimes to help us through our struggles? We use this physically, so why not mentally?

That’s where faith comes in. It’s not strictly a religious concept in my eyes. Yes, I believe there is a bigger plan out there & God has something greater in mind for me. But it’s also having faith that something good is going to happen. Sooner or later, the good will outweigh the bad. It’s learning patience & remaining optimistic that the tides will turn & I will find peace & happiness again.

So today, faith is taking effort. I’m constantly reminding myself that something good is right around the corner. I’m trying. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be filled with resentment. Happiness is a conscious decision.

I just have to have a little faith.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Faith.

  1. Leah

    Hugs. Big hugs.
    I know it sucks. I won’t tell you to get over it and I won’t tell you it will get better tomorrow. I know it WILL get better.
    “This too shall pass” is true but that doesn’t minimize the suckage while you’re wading through the midst of it all.
    But you know there are people to listen, hug, scream, laugh, etc with you on your way too.
    “Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings.” ~Victor Hugo

  2. This was brought up in a discussion the other day between my coworker and I. He said the same thing about it being a crutch. The more I think about it the more I see it. I’ve never looked at it that way before. I believe that there’s a plan. That there’s a reason this is all happening. I take what I’ve been through as a way to make me stronger and something to learn from. I believe that if you didn’t go through this then you wouldn’t get what you truly want or deserve in the long haul. You wouldn’t *know* exactly what you wanted. If that makes sense?

    You know I’m here for you. and you always have a spot in my prayers. AND? I’ll always share vino time with you 🙂

    Things will get better. They will work out how they are supposed to 🙂

    xoxo

  3. Hang in there, sweetie. You’re going through a lot. You will get there. I believe in you!

  4. Ty

    “When winter comes, spring is sure to follow.”

    This Chinese Proverb was my mantra during and after my divorce. It continues to be my mantra to this day; it applies to almost every situation.

    Also, read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.

    On your worst of days, you are still precious human being. Always remember that.

  5. Awwww….I fucking love you. One of the reasons is because you are so smart…you KNOW you have to be patient, so just take it day by day which is a challenge for those of us lacking patience…..but it’s just like running where you take it mile by mile, and realize having those bad days (or bad runs) is part of what makes you stronger, better, and part of what will make what’s ahead even more satisfying. Keep on, keepin’ on my sista from another mista ❤

  6. I’ve kept this “marked as unread” in my google reader for several days, and re-read it several times. I kept thinking I’d have this perfect thing to say, that would express to you how much I connect to what you’re saying, and that I hope you keep writing candid posts like this one.

    But I can’t find the words.

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